Muted

Another day, another dollar, as they say. Work today was great fun, there are days where everything clicks and this was one. :}  Came home and watched the first episode of “Ripper Street” because MATTHEW McFADYEN, liked that; watched “Solomon Kane” because JAMES PUREFOY, and that was ok.

Trying to figure out why I wake up every morning feeling like I’m already running late, like I’m already behind. Have this terrible feeling of doom hanging over me, like there’s something terribly important left undone, but I *think* I’m doing ok in the work accomplishments department — I’m actually rocking butt there a bit — the house isn’t tidy, but it isn’t a terrible mess either. It’s within striking distance of clean. Pretty up to date on laundry and groceries. Taxes are getting handled. Bills are under control for the month. … ????? WHAT ARE YOU, O FEELING OF MOUNTING PRESSURE?

It’s starting to wake me up in the middle of the night as well, which is just vexing, as there’s nothing I can do until I remember what I need to do. :\

In any case, I’ve spent some time muting myself. I’ve taken down as many of the posts on my divorce and non-family personal relationships as I could find as of last night; I wish I could say I had a big book deal or something delicious like that in the offing, but I basically just woke in a cold sweat and realized how exposed I’d left myself. So I took it all down.

Yes, it’s cowardice. Perhaps I’m a coward. What I think will be happening is that I’ll be polishing and reposting selected items, or maybe I’ll put them all back up, but under a password. But I’m just tired of worrying that someone’s going to find it from my real life – the whole purpose of this blog was to give me a fresh, guilt-free, shame-free place to vent, and if real life comes here, that will be so over. Especially as I was a bit unhinged (I think that’s a good word for it) for part of last year and this year… So down it had to come. It’s not like I was particularly clever in “hiding” this blog, anyway… So we start over. :}

There will be more, and it will still be about that stuff, especially as (which please, let it be soon) I start dating and coming out of my self-imposed coccoon, and it will be honest; but from here on, it’ll be written with the knowledge that real life may come reading at any moment, and that is important. xo

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Clear

The word this morning is possibly the most beautiful word in the English language: clear. Text from Mom this morning, still at the hospital where she had surgery last week: “Good news. Clear biopsy report. Go home today.”

Exactly what this means in the long run, I’m not sure yet. But it’s good, and I love good. “Clear” is a good start to be going on with. Now she has three months of ileostomy and then, hopefully, straight on till morning.

I’m so relieved I’m actually having a migraine because of it. lol But what a great reason to have one, right?

(And from the post above, you won’t be surprised that I accidentally posted this to Snaps’ blog initially. :}  )

 

Photo on 2013-12-30 at 16.03