Muted

Another day, another dollar, as they say. Work today was great fun, there are days where everything clicks and this was one. :}  Came home and watched the first episode of “Ripper Street” because MATTHEW McFADYEN, liked that; watched “Solomon Kane” because JAMES PUREFOY, and that was ok.

Trying to figure out why I wake up every morning feeling like I’m already running late, like I’m already behind. Have this terrible feeling of doom hanging over me, like there’s something terribly important left undone, but I *think* I’m doing ok in the work accomplishments department — I’m actually rocking butt there a bit — the house isn’t tidy, but it isn’t a terrible mess either. It’s within striking distance of clean. Pretty up to date on laundry and groceries. Taxes are getting handled. Bills are under control for the month. … ????? WHAT ARE YOU, O FEELING OF MOUNTING PRESSURE?

It’s starting to wake me up in the middle of the night as well, which is just vexing, as there’s nothing I can do until I remember what I need to do. :\

In any case, I’ve spent some time muting myself. I’ve taken down as many of the posts on my divorce and non-family personal relationships as I could find as of last night; I wish I could say I had a big book deal or something delicious like that in the offing, but I basically just woke in a cold sweat and realized how exposed I’d left myself. So I took it all down.

Yes, it’s cowardice. Perhaps I’m a coward. What I think will be happening is that I’ll be polishing and reposting selected items, or maybe I’ll put them all back up, but under a password. But I’m just tired of worrying that someone’s going to find it from my real life – the whole purpose of this blog was to give me a fresh, guilt-free, shame-free place to vent, and if real life comes here, that will be so over. Especially as I was a bit unhinged (I think that’s a good word for it) for part of last year and this year… So down it had to come. It’s not like I was particularly clever in “hiding” this blog, anyway… So we start over. :}

There will be more, and it will still be about that stuff, especially as (which please, let it be soon) I start dating and coming out of my self-imposed coccoon, and it will be honest; but from here on, it’ll be written with the knowledge that real life may come reading at any moment, and that is important. xo

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6 thoughts on “Muted

  1. I often get that exact “pending doom” or “something has been overlooked” feeling. Usually it is about an unpaid bill, missed story deadline or other chore I think I should have done. But there could be many reasons for the feeling. For you, you might consider that it could be that after years of keeping another person’s care or thoughts of their well being in the forefront of your mind, that you might just now be simply coming down from that. In essence, you might be trying to unlearn your “lack” of selfishness. And a little voice that is used to thinking “but what does he need versus what I need?” is now being told to back off, and that takes work.

    Just a thought.

    And it is your blog. You should feel free to delete whatever you want. I don’t see any cowardice in putting a professional face forward, if that is your goal. If there is a chance that your actions might be fueled by a misguided sense of shame, then push that away. Delete if it makes you feel better and more comfortable in a world where Google stalking is real.

    • Thank you. As usual, your comments make me go, “oh! Yeah.” lol Some things to think about, for sure. :}

      And yes, part of this is because of The Incident. I’m not leaving the fandom, because “whatever” there — I think that’s kind of rolled off my back now, I’m just stepping back a few steps to breathe a little — but oddly I am more cognizant of my footprint and how it may relate to the real world. Lessons we learn and the bizarre places in which we learn them, eh? xoxoxoxoxox and missed you while I was away.

      • I missed you too. 🙂 And incidentally, any of your actions or words being related to “the incident” actually never crossed my mind. 🙂 I really took it as relating to “the ex’s” (the hus-man-boy, the boytoy-ish, and the coworker she-devil), your professional life, and all that has occurred regarding your mom. Oh, and I am very happy about the latter’s outcome indeed!

        But I am about to post something myself about “the incident” (or incidents that keep occurring and attempting to pull me in.) Not sure it will be everyone’s cuppa. Positive it won’t. But I’m not sure I care. :/

  2. I think you are very wise to edit your blog a bit, C! Not because of recent events, but more because… well, you never know. I understand the need for a blog with personal content because sometimes it is great to get feedback from (remote) people on the thoughts that go through your head. (I am often tempted to have such a blog myself.) But a private blog by invitation only might do the trick – you can pick and choose who reads.
    Re. “Ripper Street” – watch out closely, C – the series it was filmed in Dublin. What a dear, dirty town I live in 😉

  3. You did the right thing to take down stuff you are uncomfortable with some people seeing. You never know. I’m happy work is going well for you, though! Been thinking of you and hoping all is well with your mom. I myself am kind of done for a while with the “blogging community”. If I write posts on my blog it will be because I have something to say. I’m mostly on Twitter now. Hugs!

  4. Impending doom — I have this a lot and my reading is that it’s overkill from when doom was really impending, a habit I learned that is now no longer necessary but refocuses itself unproductively on stupid stuff.

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