Tolkien Reading Day

To celebrate Tolkien Reading Day, I read one of his non-Middle Earth works, “Roverandom”, a short story about a dog. It was charming, although not at all in the style of the Silmarillion, my favorite… But there were, as always with Tolkien, so many beautifully written passages that I could see it all, as though it were unfolding in front of me. 

It’s always lovely to read something new (to me) by an old favorite. Thank you, sir.

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Time for a change?

Just now, I was doing one of those quiz things where you take the first three letters of your last name and the first three letters of your first name, then the street you were born on, or whatever — and I went to use the first three letters of the last name I’ve had for almost 22 years. And it felt wrong. It didn’t feel attached to me any longer. It felt like a crutch I no longer need to use.

And I used my maiden name instead, and it felt right. It felt like me. I remember who I used to be when I used this name, and I like her.

Perhaps it’s time for that name change I didn’t think I wanted… but at the time, I wanted to maintain as much of the normalcy of my life as possible. I was not ok with any sudden moves. Perhaps now I feel more solid. More secure. Perhaps it’s time for me to be that girl again.

(Plus, I almost feel like, every time I introduce myself to someone, I have to be kind of apologetic in case they know my ex and have seen his behavior. We’re so different now; I really don’t want that trail of crumbs that says, “yeah. I was there. I’m still part of that.” Because I’m not. Emphatically not. And that’s by his choice as much as mine. He and his family slid back and away like a car I passed on the highway, and I find I’m just fine with that.)

I was trying really hard to find a highway image that fit. I tried so hard. But in the end, this photo really expresses how I feel. :}

Getting rid of things I don’t need, plus bonus dream fun!!

Two posts in one day?!?!!! (clutching the pearls)

So it occurred to me this morning that I always have deep thoughts in the middle of the night, or in the morning, when I’m still in bed. And I don’t keep my laptop in the bedroom because SLEEP. So all of these prolific ponderings go unrecorded, except as cryptic dictations to the text program in my phone.

At some point during this rumination, my brain pointed out in a slightly acerbic tone that I do have the WP app installed on my phone, which charges by the bed at night.

So, duh.

But also, yay! Because now I can hopefully start recording some of those self-conversations here. Which I could have been doing all along, but we’re not going to talk about that, are we? No.

I continue to have married dreams, including one last night, in which I was re-organizing clothes in the house and Ex was helping… and all I could think was, “why is he here? He’s supposed to be gone! I don’t want to make this work anymore!!” I was overwhelmed by a profound feeling of depression and heaviness. And I think that was a lot of what was going on towards the end, that feeling of leaden spirits and gray days.

Of course, then I found a baby-sized steel-toed work boot that I’d bought on one of our trips, and I was trying to figure out whether I needed to throw it out or not; the purpose of the reorganization was to get rid of deadwood, but the boot was so cute – and it came from a factory in Egypt (or somewhere)! lol Then it turned into a dream about some imaginary neighbors giving me an inflatable life raft (in fact, it was a pop-out life raft with a lot of pop – push a button and the life raft was thirty feet away instantly, and inflated — wait, is that phallic? All inflated things are far away? snort) to give to my parents. I then invited the neighbors to come to dinner at my parents’ house without asking Mom and Dad, and then when we got there, it was Dad’s birthday party and I was in trouble. Oh, dreams, you are so interestingly odd.

It looked almost exactly like this!! But SO TINY

I also had a very cool dream last night about a demonic John Deere tractor, but that is neither here nor there. (It was in Idaho, but I’m trying to stop digressing, so)

Think this, but without the side panels, and the structure all in polished steel with lots of broken, sharp points and no engine but eager to possess your soul. In Idaho.

I begin to think I should start a dream blog.

In any case, this winter has been brutally cold, but we’re getting more sun, so – swings and roundabouts. I’ll take the cold and sun, thanks. I think it’s helping my mood a lot. 😀

Hoping your days are going as well. Mwah!

********** And then I got curious about the origins of the “swings and roundabouts” phrase, and looked it up. As with everything on the internet, it could be a lie; but I like it, so here it is. From a UK answer forum:

The full saying is usually given nowadays as: “What you lose on the roundabouts you gain on the swings” or vice versa. This was a reference, in an old poem, to a showground-owner’s claim.  In other words, on some days the kids would pay to pile onto the swings and provide his income, though the roundabouts were neglected. Obviously, it would be vice versa on other days.  Today, of course, it applies to any such 50/50 or up/down situation.
The poem ‘Roundabouts and Swings’ is by Patrick Chalmers and here are the appropriate lines, after the poet asks the fairground-man what his work is like:

“Said he ‘the job’s the very spit of what it always were,
‘It’s bread and bacon mostly when the dog don’t catch a hare,
‘But looking at it broad, and while it ain’t no merchant kings,
‘What’s lost upon the roundabouts, we pulls up on the swings.”

Considering my grandfather was a carnival barker for a short time, this tickles me. Yes, I’m descended from a part-time carnie. And? 😉 Ooh. “Part-Time Carnies” would be a great band name. Ok. Off to work!

Woke from a dream

This morning, I woke from a dream with a simple resolution and promise to myself:

I will never again “try to make it work” with people who aren’t eagerly and actively also committed in this common endeavor.

Friends, loved ones, business associates (although you have to be a bit more elastic in business, but there’s a limit), everyone. 

I am becoming comfortable in my own skin and I don’t need anyone here with me unless he or she has something to contribute that’s positive and sourced in love.

Period.

And if this sounds like a manifesto (womanifesto?), then yes!  ❤