Poetry Month, Day 22: Conundrum

Conundrum

Am I not dancing
Because I’m in pain,
Or am I in pain
Because I’m not dancing?
These are the questions I ponder
As I feel or fear
My art
Slipping away from me.
Should I push through the pain,
The exhaustion,
The simply not wanting to?
Or should I coast gently into the sunset
Of my disability?
For the first time in over sixteen years of effort,
Just
Let
It
Win?
The thought is strangely enticing.
The soft, slow drift of un-effort
The lambent caress of no-pain
The quietly darkening days
Until everything, everything
Reaches a slow tempo and quiet
Where I can live
Gently.
Gentle is a word I crave
I hunger for gentle
As a child hungers for sweets.
Again,
I do not know if this
Is depression,
Or an acceptance of reality.
Sometimes hope is the delusion.

Copyright ©2015 C. Mitchell

Obviously, I’m a couple days behind. This poem explains why. :} I’m planning to catch up, although it may be after the month is up. I’m sticking with it!!

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3 thoughts on “Poetry Month, Day 22: Conundrum

  1. I feel a kind of shift in my life, a greater longing not so much to do well as simply not to be overstressed. There are twinges in the other direction — there are ways that I used to use my mind that I don’t anymore — but they are relatively rare.

    • This is it, exactly. Is it cowardly to purchase peace at the expense of my pride in my work? I don’t know. I’m not sure how much I care, these days. :}

      • I think “what the work is” changes even if the medium stays the same. Maybe the struggle in middle age is to come to terms with what is still possible?

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