Where to start?

Well, on the cusp of dramatic change again here. Mom and Dad left for Florida this morning, so – except for a much-anticipated visit from me in late December – I won’t see them until April. Ugh. I realize how much they ground me and emotionally bolster me when they’re not around… the phone just isn’t the same. More, I really *like* them and enjoy their company (even when, as yesterday, Dad opens a political discussion I’m not interested in pursuing, and things get a little unfortunate). Man. I need to make some new friends.

I’ve tried a few friend liaisons, but nothing really satisfying or lasting so far. Murph. So frustrating, but – and I keep reminding myself of this – in some ways, I’ve cast off (and been cast off by) so many trappings and traps of my former life, that this is the obvious time to rebuild, reload, reformat.

To change it up.

Pursuant to this, I am finally and well and truly done with a former co-worker’s shenanigans. Her frequent mean-spirited hysteria, the blindsides aimed at manipulating me into this or that behavior, the gaslighting intended to make me feel incapable and insane, and the just plain abuse – I’ve reached a level of dull, uncaring just-don’t-give-a-shit-anymore that makes it difficult for me to raise a work ethic. And I can’t bear to watch myself burn out this way, simply through the desensitization of dealing constantly with a conscienceless narcissist. If I can’t rekindle my love for dance, better that I leave it or at least change how I participate. It’s been 15 years in February; perhaps it’s time to do something new.

I’ve been defending my passion vehemently for the past year, but I’ve also been watching, with unease, my creeping exhaustion with the personality issues involved in this line of work. Add to that that I’m just not as good at it as I’d like to be – my body is increasingly ill-suited to the flexibility and stamina demands, and especially so as I fight chronic pain, arthritis, and the seemingly-inevitable tip over into winter depression.

So what does my future hold? Perhaps a change in work. Perhaps a change in residence, at least for a while. Certainly a change in me, continuing with the force of the encroaching tide: subtle but unstoppable. I wouldn’t go back to the woman I used to be, even if I could.

What I want out of life: passion, joy, fulfillment, chances to listen to the peacefulness within. I’m slowly peeling away the shells and influences that separate me from these goals, and trying to find better (? newer) avenues.

Here’s hoping.


6 thoughts on “Where to start?

  1. Big hugs. Maybe you should move down here? More seriously, I think I was always waiting for that big thing that was going to hit me over the head, whereas the transformation I have been hoping for and working toward has been much slower. It will come if you keep seeking it!

    • Thank you. :} I think my expectations vis a vis the “big things” are calming down a bit, now that I’m happier. But I am still working towards/hoping for greater happiness!

  2. Dear Msgigglepants, I always enjoy your posts because- despite your undoubted recent difficulties- there is always a good sprinkling of hope and optimism. One door closes but another is opening and it is a privilege to watch you as you blossom. Hugs.

    • Thank you so much. I’m not quite sure why I haven’t checked these comments before now — I suspect another mini-depression, during which all forward motion ceases — but I loved this one. It made me smile and feel so grateful for my WP friends. ❤
      (ps: I also read "spanking" instead of sprinkling. I think it's time for me to get my eyes checked again!!)

  3. Ok, here’s the deal. I’m going to Florida in February. If your folks live anywhere near Winter Haven, you and I could meet if you were there then….hint hint hint. (Just something wonderful to think about.)

  4. OH I WISH!!!! My grandma used to live in Winter Haven, and I have good memories of the place. Of course, that was (cough) years ago… but I’d love love love! to have a meetup with you. And obviously, with windchills in the negative numbers here recently, I wish I were still in Florida. Oy. lol

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