So the last two weeks or so, I’ve been having seriously vexing/horrifying/anguished dreams. I don’t know why my subconscious is choosing now for this watershed, but here we are. I wake up and type them out on my phone, so I’ll have a record – and also because I know that little screen disturbs your sleep patterns, and I want to make ABSOLUTELY sure I don’t fall back into one of these dreams… especially the scary or awfully sad dreams. Shudder.
I’ve had several recently that deal with Ex… strange, he hasn’t been in my dreamscape for months and then all of a sudden, it’s our breakup again every night. lol Apparently, it’s time I dealt with some of the things I’ve been burying about that whole situation. One of the main themes that comes up again and again is validation. Validation, validation.
It was right. And now I’m beginning to understand viscerally (as well as cerebrally) some of the reasons it took me so long to break away, and some of the feelings I’ve not finished processing about those reasons.
Last night, I gave myself permission to surrender my guilt — both for wanting out, and for not being brave enough or strong enough to do it sooner. It’s not evil to ask for respect; and it’s not shameful to be afraid.
So in the middle of the night last night, I thought about the feelings, and why I feel them, and gave myself permission to experience them and then let them go. I thought about the crisp and yet serene flutter of bird wings carrying the feelings away. And I felt lighter, more free, than I have in years.