Building up to letting go

Once again, Fall is upon us. If I were being “trite but clever”, I might write, “Fall is falling upon us”, but it really isn’t this year. It did sock my neighborhood pretty hard last week, with sudden cold temperatures and a shock of cold, pelting rain that was followed by three days of unrelenting chilly drizzle… but hey, that’s Fall. Now we’ve settled into a pleasant Autumnal pattern of mid-to-upper 60 degree sunny days with white puffy clouds, cold nights (my mom used to call it “good sleeping weather”), and soon-to-be-frosty mornings. The dog does his business much more quickly now, and I’m thinking, “oh, buddy… get ready. This is nothing.” If it stays like this for another month or two, I’ll be ok with it. :} Implicit in that comment, however, is the duality of doubt. More than doubt. Certainty: it won’t. Dammit. lol

So I’m getting ready for another milestone here: Mom and Dad are getting ready for their annual decampment to Florida for 6 months, and I’m frankly dreading it. Trying not to, trying to simply experience that feeling without judgement and let it go and all that good stuff, but I can’t help remembering that this is when it all started to fall apart last year. This is when it all… just… went south (so to speak). The beginning of my darkness.

Now, I’m in a completely different place emotionally and mentally. And spiritually. But I haven’t built a support system yet. Still looking for a job (about to take some new steps there, but that’s another story for another day).

However! I’m enjoying these last 3 weeks with them before they go, and I’m trying to build myself up. Get ready for it. Be positive. Tell myself that despite what happened this year, when Mom’s gone this time, she won’t get cancer again. Because that – something happening to them while they’re so far away – is my biggest fear. Ugh. OK. And if it does, well then. We’ll answer it when it comes. We’ll do what we must, when we must. (And I love how I am speaking as though I have companionship, because that makes the fear seem less.) I’ll do what I have to. What has to happen, will happen. Because there are no alternatives. I’ll just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Yup. So I need to make this “letting go” not about letting Mom and Dad go South, but about letting go of my fear of the future. It’s out there, and it’s unalterable. I can’t change it, I can’t fix it. I can prepare for it, but I refuse to live my life braced and in a bomb shelter. That’s horrible. So I’m going to try to shake the stiffness and the cramps out of my limbs, and just… let go.

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14 thoughts on “Building up to letting go

    • Thank you. It’s wonderful to know it’s not just me. :} And I’m sending the strength and encouragement back to you, my friend!! ā¤ Good luck to both of us.

  1. Think of it this way. The warm weather is better for both Mom and Dad. They need not be stuck in snow. And if someone gives you lemons, grab the salt and Tequila and tell them to piss off. lovies! ā¤

  2. Keep living, keep living — the whole loss of a parent made me much more aware of how insecure my existence is than it has seemed to be for a long time, too. I could say — you know those old people in Florida look out for each other (because they do) — but we both know the issue are the fears as they manifest in our minds. Hugs.

    • And I do cling to the fact that they have a much better network down there than they do up here. As Ms. Arkenstone commented, it’s better for them down there than it would be here. :} I’m just sulking. And alternately, freezing up. But fighting the impulse to do either, unlike last year, when I was just a deer in headlights. I couldn’t deal. Just, couldn’t. Ugh. Thank Heavens last year is over. lol SO 2013. šŸ˜‰

  3. I know what you mean. You will be ok, you have the right attitude. Last year was rough for me as well; leaving the husband, daughter #1 moving to Ireland, daughter #2 still dependent on me and hubby not contributing anything, leaving the home I was in for many years, my Dad’s Alzheimers progressing, my Mom’s lupus getting worse, then my dog died last month and to top it all off…got laid off today! (All I need is a pick up truck and I could probably write a good country song). Thank goodness The Crucible is over so I don’t spend all my time on the internet since I need to buckle down and start applying for jobs. We just have to stay positive I guess.

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