Revelatory Dreams.

So the last two weeks or so, I’ve been having seriously vexing/horrifying/anguished dreams. I don’t know why my subconscious is choosing now for this watershed, but here we are. I wake up and type them out on my phone, so I’ll have a record – and also because I know that little screen disturbs your sleep patterns, and I want to make ABSOLUTELY sure I don’t fall back into one of these dreams… especially the scary or awfully sad dreams. Shudder.

I’ve had several recently that deal with Ex… strange, he hasn’t been in my dreamscape for months and then all of a sudden, it’s our breakup again every night. lol Apparently, it’s time I dealt with some of the things I’ve been burying about that whole situation. One of the main themes that comes up again and again is validation. Validation, validation.

It was right. And now I’m beginning to understand viscerally (as well as cerebrally) some of the reasons it took me so long to break away, and some of the feelings I’ve not finished processing about those reasons.

Last night, I gave myself permission to surrender my guilt — both for wanting out, and for not being brave enough or strong enough to do it sooner. It’s not evil to ask for respect; and it’s not shameful to be afraid.

So in the middle of the night last night, I thought about the feelings, and why I feel them, and gave myself permission to experience them and then let them go. I thought about the crisp and yet serene flutter of bird wings carrying the feelings away. And I felt lighter, more free, than I have in years.

<3

Hobbit BoFA trailer!!

Well, tonight I saw the BoFA trailer on the big screen at a local “Holiday Movie Preview”, and o.m.g. That was amaaaaazing! I can’t wait for the movie. Here’s hoping all is well, even for book snobs like me. :} And whether or not my purist-tendencies are satisfied, I’m looking forward to it tremendously.

More Thorin? YES PLEASE. Can’t get enough of that sassy, somber, somewhat mad lad!

Oh! And I snaffled 3 smallish posters with Bilbo on. There were none of Thorin, more’s the pity. :(

A Little Fall Of Leaves

Like “A Little Fall Of Snow”, but with leaves. :}

This morning, as I was walking Snaps, I was distracted by a sound like the wings of a bird in a cathedral — a sort of hollow flapping sound — and looked around to see what it was. It was three of the trees across the street, audibly shedding their leaves in the morning frost. This is the first time I’ve ever *heard* a tree (or three) shedding, and it was a really gorgeous moment. I actually added the alley of fallen leaves to our walk, so I could walk through the falling leaves like confetti, the trees throwing a colorful party for the end of Summer.

I tried to take a photo or two to capture the moment: the morning sun slanting through the trunks and laying in diagonal stripes across the crisp and frosty grass, the gorgeous colors of the leaves swirling about me, and the oddly comforting sound of gentle death, as each tree released its grasp on Summer one or two or five leaves at a time. Hopefully the photos catch a little bit of the moment.

What a beautiful thing to witness. And how lovely to be able to appreciate it.

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(crossposted from Snaps About Town)

A Note, To My Future Love (from my personal journal)

I know, it’s been awhile. But I haven’t been away; I’ve been releasing. Relaxing. Unfolding. I stopped writing because I had a crisis of confidence – in myself, in the possibility you would or could love me, in the belief that anyone could.

I was wrong. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am open to the possibilities, and ready for them.

But with this realization, and the time it took, came another gift: I’m no longer waiting.

I’m living.

When you happen, and you will happen, it will be wonderful. There will be joy, and hope. There will be relief. But until then, my tight-fisted clutch on longing has released, letting the fractured pulse of it slip through my open fingers, onto the floor, leaving my palm empty. A chalice. A Grail. Full only of the energy of my life.

My heart is at peace. <3 I am whole without you.

Grown a little, and bending with the weight


“Thodishi pikali, ojhana vakali,
Ahe me avjhad jhadachi ga,
Kairi padachi ga, kairi padachi!”
____________________________________
(Grown a little, and bending with the weight,
I am the mango from that tree
where the fruits have just about ripened)

I think I am all of this: grown a little, and bending with the weight, but strengthening all the time. Although I’m actually a ripe mango… lol

Solstice (Equinox?) – Whatever!! Divorceiversary!!

Happy Solstice!! And on Saturday, it will be one year since my divorce. Feeling pretty good, coasting right along. Continuing to get feet under me – apparently I have more feet than a centipede. Vaguely surprised I’m still not dating, but they say “give yourself a month for every year of the marriage”, so I’ve still got several months to go by that measure… or if we go by how long the marriage was firm and stable, well, it’s probably about enough now. lol I’m juuuust about ready, I think. Starting to seriously look around, to seriously entertain the idea. To think about kissing again, to remember how fine that was. The firm sweet slide of someone else’s lips against your own… the tremor of anticipation mixed with excitement…

Oh, man. Yeah. That was just fine. I wouldn’t mind another first kiss. :} Or a second. Or a third. :D

Yup yup.

In any case, this weekend, for my divorceiversary, I’ll be teaching at my biggest ever event to date. Should be amazing. I’m a little nervous, but I’m ready and prepping and hoping to just knock it out of the freaking park, so I can relax and enjoy the weekend for what it is. And note the passage of time, but not dwell on it.

Here’s to the passage of time making this better. :}

UPDATE: Erm… Equinox. I think I meant, “Equinox”. lol I am many kinds of a swot, but astronomy is not one. :D

Building up to letting go

Once again, Fall is upon us. If I were being “trite but clever”, I might write, “Fall is falling upon us”, but it really isn’t this year. It did sock my neighborhood pretty hard last week, with sudden cold temperatures and a shock of cold, pelting rain that was followed by three days of unrelenting chilly drizzle… but hey, that’s Fall. Now we’ve settled into a pleasant Autumnal pattern of mid-to-upper 60 degree sunny days with white puffy clouds, cold nights (my mom used to call it “good sleeping weather”), and soon-to-be-frosty mornings. The dog does his business much more quickly now, and I’m thinking, “oh, buddy… get ready. This is nothing.” If it stays like this for another month or two, I’ll be ok with it. :} Implicit in that comment, however, is the duality of doubt. More than doubt. Certainty: it won’t. Dammit. lol

So I’m getting ready for another milestone here: Mom and Dad are getting ready for their annual decampment to Florida for 6 months, and I’m frankly dreading it. Trying not to, trying to simply experience that feeling without judgement and let it go and all that good stuff, but I can’t help remembering that this is when it all started to fall apart last year. This is when it all… just… went south (so to speak). The beginning of my darkness.

Now, I’m in a completely different place emotionally and mentally. And spiritually. But I haven’t built a support system yet. Still looking for a job (about to take some new steps there, but that’s another story for another day).

However! I’m enjoying these last 3 weeks with them before they go, and I’m trying to build myself up. Get ready for it. Be positive. Tell myself that despite what happened this year, when Mom’s gone this time, she won’t get cancer again. Because that – something happening to them while they’re so far away – is my biggest fear. Ugh. OK. And if it does, well then. We’ll answer it when it comes. We’ll do what we must, when we must. (And I love how I am speaking as though I have companionship, because that makes the fear seem less.) I’ll do what I have to. What has to happen, will happen. Because there are no alternatives. I’ll just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Yup. So I need to make this “letting go” not about letting Mom and Dad go South, but about letting go of my fear of the future. It’s out there, and it’s unalterable. I can’t change it, I can’t fix it. I can prepare for it, but I refuse to live my life braced and in a bomb shelter. That’s horrible. So I’m going to try to shake the stiffness and the cramps out of my limbs, and just… let go.