Where to start?

Well, on the cusp of dramatic change again here. Mom and Dad left for Florida this morning, so – except for a much-anticipated visit from me in late December – I won’t see them until April. Ugh. I realize how much they ground me and emotionally bolster me when they’re not around… the phone just isn’t the same. More, I really *like* them and enjoy their company (even when, as yesterday, Dad opens a political discussion I’m not interested in pursuing, and things get a little unfortunate). Man. I need to make some new friends.

I’ve tried a few friend liaisons, but nothing really satisfying or lasting so far. Murph. So frustrating, but – and I keep reminding myself of this – in some ways, I’ve cast off (and been cast off by) so many trappings and traps of my former life, that this is the obvious time to rebuild, reload, reformat.

To change it up.

Pursuant to this, I am finally and well and truly done with a former co-worker’s shenanigans. Her frequent mean-spirited hysteria, the blindsides aimed at manipulating me into this or that behavior, the gaslighting intended to make me feel incapable and insane, and the just plain abuse – I’ve reached a level of dull, uncaring just-don’t-give-a-shit-anymore that makes it difficult for me to raise a work ethic. And I can’t bear to watch myself burn out this way, simply through the desensitization of dealing constantly with a conscienceless narcissist. If I can’t rekindle my love for dance, better that I leave it or at least change how I participate. It’s been 15 years in February; perhaps it’s time to do something new.

I’ve been defending my passion vehemently for the past year, but I’ve also been watching, with unease, my¬†creeping exhaustion with the personality issues involved in this line of work. Add to that that I’m just not as good at it as I’d like to be – my body is increasingly ill-suited to the flexibility and stamina demands, and especially so as I fight chronic pain, arthritis, and the seemingly-inevitable tip over into winter depression.

So what does my future hold? Perhaps a change in work. Perhaps a change in residence, at least for a while. Certainly a change in me, continuing with the force of the encroaching tide: subtle but unstoppable. I wouldn’t go back to the woman I used to be, even if I could.

What I want out of life: passion, joy, fulfillment, chances to listen to the peacefulness within. I’m slowly peeling away the shells and influences¬†that separate me from these goals, and trying to find better (? newer) avenues.

Here’s hoping.

Oh, my god. You’re absolutely killing me.

So this week I finally, *finally* cracked into David Tenant’s tenure as Dr. Who. I know. I know. I’m way behind. But they finally came to Netflix, and I finally have time.

So, just, oh my god. It’s killing me. Just asdfghjkl;idek.

THE FEELS. I am soooooo feeling the feels. I’ve cried so many times since I started watching these… I think I have to revise my former opinion of Tom Baker as my favorite Doctor (loved when the Master offered his companion a Jelly Baby during a recent episode), because David Tennant is simply superlative.

Of course, I haven’t seen some of the other Doctors yet either. Maybe I should hold my options open. ;)

Belly Of The Beast

I tried stopping one of my migraine meds last month – Topamax, because I suspect it’s actually *causing* headaches, albeit low-grade chronic headaches instead of huge skullbombs – but in the last week, I’ve had two (!!) classic migraines. The full treatment: blindness, nausea, pain, and sensitivity to light, sound, smells, and movement. Oh, joy. lol So this week, I’ve basically been eating junk food, which makes it worse, because I don’t have the energy for real food. I know. It makes no sense. However, there’s a creature comfort in caffeine-laden soda (OH CAFFEINE, I’ve missed you SO), potato chips, gluten-free pizza, apple crisp (OK, that’s kind of healthy: it’s got apples, oatmeal, and only 4 Tbps of sugar in the whole thing, so there), and Gummi Bears. Yeah. I know. There have actually been healthy meals, but as I spiral down through prodromes and postdromes, not to mention the actual events, I feel less and less like cooking, or cleaning up. I have two sinks full of dishes and have now taken to eating on paper towels so I don’t create any more dishes. :D I’m preferring to think of it as an energy-saving mechanism. (looking shifty)

So, it’s back to the doctor to see if any help can be found for the constant grinding headaches I’ve been having for months now. And back on the Topamax, much as I hate to say it. I am once again in the position of starting to lose hope if not fortitude; after several years of chronic migraines, two years without, and now another year+ with, well… experience indicates that the migraine-free years were the anomaly. I seem to be starting back down the long dark path that has characterized much of my adulthood. :}

The price of those two years without migraines was my marriage, in many ways I won’t delineate here; it’s too personal. However, I’m not eager to experience another such disjointing. It cost me my best friends and the person I had loved most in the world. I’m just starting to rebuild, here and now. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, not floating away in some medication-induced zombie state from which I’ll awaken, a couple years on, and not recognize my life. No, thanks.

In the meantime, I woke up this morning at 7:30am with a blind spot and am now waiting out this migraine. Pretty soon the dog’s going to want a walk, and that won’t be a happy moment for Mama. He’s kind of fretting that this week has been so weird. Well, buddy, that makes for two of us. :( Poor little bean.

Revelatory Dreams.

So the last two weeks or so, I’ve been having seriously vexing/horrifying/anguished dreams. I don’t know why my subconscious is choosing now for this watershed, but here we are. I wake up and type them out on my phone, so I’ll have a record – and also because I know that little screen disturbs your sleep patterns, and I want to make ABSOLUTELY sure I don’t fall back into one of these dreams… especially the scary or awfully sad dreams. Shudder.

I’ve had several recently that deal with Ex… strange, he hasn’t been in my dreamscape for months and then all of a sudden, it’s our breakup again every night. lol Apparently, it’s time I dealt with some of the things I’ve been burying about that whole situation. One of the main themes that comes up again and again is validation. Validation, validation.

It was right. And now I’m beginning to understand viscerally (as well as cerebrally) some of the reasons it took me so long to break away, and some of the feelings I’ve not finished processing about those reasons.

Last night, I gave myself permission to surrender my guilt — both for wanting out, and for not being brave enough or strong enough to do it sooner. It’s not evil to ask for respect; and it’s not shameful to be afraid.

So in the middle of the night last night, I thought about the feelings, and why I feel them, and gave myself permission to experience them and then let them go. I thought about the crisp and yet serene flutter of bird wings carrying the feelings away. And I felt lighter, more free, than I have in years.


Hobbit BoFA trailer!!

Well, tonight I saw the BoFA trailer on the big screen at a local “Holiday Movie Preview”, and o.m.g. That was amaaaaazing! I can’t wait for the movie. Here’s hoping all is well, even for book snobs like me. :} And whether or not my purist-tendencies are satisfied, I’m looking forward to it tremendously.

More Thorin? YES PLEASE. Can’t get enough of that sassy, somber, somewhat mad lad!

Oh! And I snaffled 3 smallish posters with Bilbo on. There were none of Thorin, more’s the pity. :(

A Little Fall Of Leaves

Like “A Little Fall Of Snow”, but with leaves. :}

This morning, as I was walking Snaps, I was distracted by a sound like the wings of a bird in a cathedral — a sort of hollow flapping sound — and looked around to see what it was. It was three of the trees across the street, audibly shedding their leaves in the morning frost. This is the first time I’ve ever *heard* a tree (or three) shedding, and it was a really gorgeous moment. I actually added the alley of fallen leaves to our walk, so I could walk through the falling leaves like confetti, the trees throwing a colorful party for the end of Summer.

I tried to take a photo or two to capture the moment: the morning sun slanting through the trunks and laying in diagonal stripes across the crisp and frosty grass, the gorgeous colors of the leaves swirling about me, and the oddly comforting sound of gentle death, as each tree released its grasp on Summer one or two or five leaves at a time. Hopefully the photos catch a little bit of the moment.

What a beautiful thing to witness. And how lovely to be able to appreciate it.



(crossposted from Snaps About Town)

A Note, To My Future Love (from my personal journal)

I know, it’s been awhile. But I haven’t been away; I’ve been releasing. Relaxing. Unfolding. I stopped writing because I had a crisis of confidence – in myself, in the possibility you would or could love me, in the belief that anyone could.

I was wrong. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am open to the possibilities, and ready for them.

But with this realization, and the time it took, came another gift: I’m no longer waiting.

I’m living.

When you happen, and you will happen, it will be wonderful. There will be joy, and hope. There will be relief. But until then, my tight-fisted clutch on longing has released, letting the fractured pulse of it slip through my open fingers, onto the floor, leaving my palm empty. A chalice. A Grail. Full only of the energy of my life.

My heart is at peace. <3 I am whole without you.