A Note, To My Future Love (from my personal journal)

I know, it’s been awhile. But I haven’t been away; I’ve been releasing. Relaxing. Unfolding. I stopped writing because I had a crisis of confidence – in myself, in the possibility you would or could love me, in the belief that anyone could.

I was wrong. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am open to the possibilities, and ready for them.

But with this realization, and the time it took, came another gift: I’m no longer waiting.

I’m living.

When you happen, and you will happen, it will be wonderful. There will be joy, and hope. There will be relief. But until then, my tight-fisted clutch on longing has released, letting the fractured pulse of it slip through my open fingers, onto the floor, leaving my palm empty. A chalice. A Grail. Full only of the energy of my life.

My heart is at peace. <3 I am whole without you.

Grown a little, and bending with the weight


“Thodishi pikali, ojhana vakali,
Ahe me avjhad jhadachi ga,
Kairi padachi ga, kairi padachi!”
____________________________________
(Grown a little, and bending with the weight,
I am the mango from that tree
where the fruits have just about ripened)

I think I am all of this: grown a little, and bending with the weight, but strengthening all the time. Although I’m actually a ripe mango… lol

Solstice (Equinox?) – Whatever!! Divorceiversary!!

Happy Solstice!! And on Saturday, it will be one year since my divorce. Feeling pretty good, coasting right along. Continuing to get feet under me – apparently I have more feet than a centipede. Vaguely surprised I’m still not dating, but they say “give yourself a month for every year of the marriage”, so I’ve still got several months to go by that measure… or if we go by how long the marriage was firm and stable, well, it’s probably about enough now. lol I’m juuuust about ready, I think. Starting to seriously look around, to seriously entertain the idea. To think about kissing again, to remember how fine that was. The firm sweet slide of someone else’s lips against your own… the tremor of anticipation mixed with excitement…

Oh, man. Yeah. That was just fine. I wouldn’t mind another first kiss. :} Or a second. Or a third. :D

Yup yup.

In any case, this weekend, for my divorceiversary, I’ll be teaching at my biggest ever event to date. Should be amazing. I’m a little nervous, but I’m ready and prepping and hoping to just knock it out of the freaking park, so I can relax and enjoy the weekend for what it is. And note the passage of time, but not dwell on it.

Here’s to the passage of time making this better. :}

UPDATE: Erm… Equinox. I think I meant, “Equinox”. lol I am many kinds of a swot, but astronomy is not one. :D

Building up to letting go

Once again, Fall is upon us. If I were being “trite but clever”, I might write, “Fall is falling upon us”, but it really isn’t this year. It did sock my neighborhood pretty hard last week, with sudden cold temperatures and a shock of cold, pelting rain that was followed by three days of unrelenting chilly drizzle… but hey, that’s Fall. Now we’ve settled into a pleasant Autumnal pattern of mid-to-upper 60 degree sunny days with white puffy clouds, cold nights (my mom used to call it “good sleeping weather”), and soon-to-be-frosty mornings. The dog does his business much more quickly now, and I’m thinking, “oh, buddy… get ready. This is nothing.” If it stays like this for another month or two, I’ll be ok with it. :} Implicit in that comment, however, is the duality of doubt. More than doubt. Certainty: it won’t. Dammit. lol

So I’m getting ready for another milestone here: Mom and Dad are getting ready for their annual decampment to Florida for 6 months, and I’m frankly dreading it. Trying not to, trying to simply experience that feeling without judgement and let it go and all that good stuff, but I can’t help remembering that this is when it all started to fall apart last year. This is when it all… just… went south (so to speak). The beginning of my darkness.

Now, I’m in a completely different place emotionally and mentally. And spiritually. But I haven’t built a support system yet. Still looking for a job (about to take some new steps there, but that’s another story for another day).

However! I’m enjoying these last 3 weeks with them before they go, and I’m trying to build myself up. Get ready for it. Be positive. Tell myself that despite what happened this year, when Mom’s gone this time, she won’t get cancer again. Because that – something happening to them while they’re so far away – is my biggest fear. Ugh. OK. And if it does, well then. We’ll answer it when it comes. We’ll do what we must, when we must. (And I love how I am speaking as though I have companionship, because that makes the fear seem less.) I’ll do what I have to. What has to happen, will happen. Because there are no alternatives. I’ll just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Yup. So I need to make this “letting go” not about letting Mom and Dad go South, but about letting go of my fear of the future. It’s out there, and it’s unalterable. I can’t change it, I can’t fix it. I can prepare for it, but I refuse to live my life braced and in a bomb shelter. That’s horrible. So I’m going to try to shake the stiffness and the cramps out of my limbs, and just… let go.

Narratives

So, I was going to write more frequently, and that didn’t happen. :\ Sorry… Here’s what’s going on in my head these days.

I’m really trying hard not to write self-pitying narratives (or angry narratives, or whatever construct comes up) about my life right now. With everything that went down in 2013 – early 2014, I created a massive narrative and it calcified, gained weight, and pressed me pretty much flat for a bit. And I was getting tired of carrying it around, to be frank… it was a lot to support.

So I’m trying to be more present in the moment, and whenever I find myself building a story about my life — and that’s really what WP was about, for me, a place to tell these stories — I stop myself and try to release whatever emotional damage I’m doing to myself at that moment. I try to *not* build another intricate but heavy flying buttress onto the cathedral of All That Shit That Was Last Year. And it seems to be working.

I’m lighter, less burdened. Less unwieldy. Sleep comes more easily, because my brain isn’t running as many circles around itself and its embedded despair. I’m more able to enjoy small moments of serendipity. All of this is great. However… I’ve always been a small-time raconteur, the Girl With The Story. And now, I’m just the girl floating down the river.

No story. Just me, existing.

It’s a little strange, to be honest. I’m not sure I was meant to be quite this Zen. I may have to find a happy medium. — On the other hand, what was this year about if not redefining myself? (You can’t see me right now, but I’m striking a Freudian pose and stroking my non-existent goatee. It’s attractive. snicker)

So I may need to figure out what to do as people ask me “how was your weekend?” and, instead of launching into a story about someone’s bra becoming a boomerang during a wedding ceremony, I simply say, “Fine” and smile at them happily… then awkward silence ensues. lol Oops. Sorry. I was supposed to do my trick there, wasn’t I? :D Well, why don’t you tell me a story? I’m all ears. (and Freudian goatee. I may have to get one, because seriously people. I love having an imaginary one. And the faux German accent is tits. Tits, I tell you.)

My Very Own Guilty Pleasure

The magical package -- so sparkly!!

The magical package — so sparkly!!

Recently, I received a gift in the post. A lovely gift. A delicious treasure, really. It makes me sigh and squee, all at once, and smile, and that is a not insignificant gift. <3

For those of you who don’t know (are there any of you out there?), I am an admirer of actor Richard Armitage. I think he’s pretty cool.

The Armitage. Yum.

The Armitage. Yum.

I also love Bollywood films, Middle Eastern dance, and all sorts of intersections of these phenomena.

So when Guylty (http://guylty.wordpress.com/) wrote that she had a Bollywood shrine with my name on it, I was – to say the least – tremblingly excited. I clapped my hands and did a happy jig and all sorts of celebrations ensued. So…

…we come to the point of today’s post, which is to pay tribute to this lovely artist and her glamorous and useful creations. You can find a more complete posting here: http://guylty.wordpress.com/guylty-shrines/

Mine is, of course, not only a tribute to Mr. Armitage, but also an hommage to Bollywood and its kitsch. And I love it oh, so very much. So I opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate its arrival, lit the candles, and watched some snippets of my favorite Armitage and Bollywood vehicles to celebrate. <3 <3 <3

But here’s what we’re all really interested in: photos. THANK YOU, Guylty. This is such a grand gift. I truly love it, and think of you every time I see it. And it really makes me smile, a goofy/happy/giddy smile. You rock.

Snaps tries to help me open the package -- no, buddy. It's not for you!!

Snaps tries to help me open the package — no, buddy. It’s not for you!!

Everything else that came in the box!! OMG, gorgeousness. And swoonage. And deliciousness. <3

Everything else that came in the box!! OMG, gorgeousness. And swoonage. And deliciousness. <3

The RA Pocket Shrine, exterior!!

The RA Pocket Shrine, exterior!!

A very sparkly Guy of Gisborne or John Porter, disco-ing the night away. Whichever. LOVE LOVE LOVE THE BACKGROUND!!! I love this. Words cannot express.

A very sparkly Guy of Gisborne or John Porter, disco-ing the night away. Whichever. LOVE LOVE LOVE THE BACKGROUND!!! I love this. Words cannot express.

So fancy!! So dancy!! It's our very own RA as himself, in both good and bad photoshoots. It is, however, the very quintessence of Bollywood. ADORE. Also on a mirrored background. :D

So fancy!! So dancy!! It’s our very own RA as himself, in both good and bad photos. It is also the very quintessence of Bollywood dance moves. ADORE. Also on a mirrored background. :D

Here's where I turned the lights down low, poured a glass of champagne, brought out the mini Oriental rug, and lit the candles so I could contemplate this gem properly. *sigh*

Here’s where I turned the lights down low, poured a glass of champagne, brought out the mini Oriental rug, and lit the candles so I could contemplate this gem properly. *sigh*

Guylty, I love this, and I love you. Thank you so much. <3